STUDENT WHO CHEATED ON SATs AND FAKED TRANSCRIPT TO GET INTO HARVARD: This test is hard. I mean really, really hard.
"I mean really, really, really hard."
Jeff Foxworthy obviously grew up down, down south, but a lesser known fact about the purported comedian’s background is that his “you might be a redneck if” routine was inspired by his grandfather Heathcliff’s bit called “you might be a negro if….”
"You might be a negro if you’re not a fan of Jeff Foxworthy’s brand of purported hilarity."
VAMPIRE: Can you cap this tooth?
DENTIST: Are you a vampire?
VAMPIRE: No.
DENTIST: Okay, I can fit you in at 2 PM tomorrow.
VAMPIRE: Do you have anything after sundown?
DENTIST: Gotcha, Barnabas!
VAMPIRE: Please. Call me Barney.
Vampire dentistry: because crazy straws are much less menacing.
Biologically speaking your body makes baby batter, and biologically speaking your body will have to relieve itself of said batter whether you, your special lady, a special lady for hire or nobody help. Thus the Pope must have wet dreams, so what are the wet dreams of someone with no exposure to sex? It’s no secret that nothing gets the Popester going like Jesus, so dare we assume….
"Jesus, your beard's itchy--oh, oh--I came."
POPE (TO DORIS): Doris, please wash my papal onesy again.
DEAD SUICIDE BOMBER: ZOMG, I made it to the afterlife! Now where are my 72 virgins? And what are these 72 dead popes doing here? Wait… ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, nooooooooooooooo!
Virgin
UNDERCOVER COP: Freeze, poli—
SFX: BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!
UNDERCOVER COP: I should’ve been a pummel horse coach.
"You're paranoid, Clint. Your mustache doesn't need to match your hair. Now go get that cartel!"
COP (TO ROBBER): Stop or I’ll stab!
SFX: BANG!
COP [BLEEDING TO DEATH]: I should’ve been a field hockey coach.
Gun > Knife
Remember when some scientists flew a helicopter over a colony of tribal folk in the Amazon who previously had no contact with the modern world? And who ran out and threw spears at the flying monster?
Yes, you do remember.
Did we follow-up with them and let them in on modern technology, or was that ultimately a social-experiment-turned-tease?
AMAZONIAN #1: What the [Amazonian expletive] was that?
AMAZONIAN #2: I don’t know, but get over here and help me juice these rocks. Their magic secretions contain the only elixir that may but probably won’t cure your wife’s death pain.
AMAZONIAN #1: I hate that our life expectancy is 22! If only someone would bring us more modern technology!
On the moon you won’t need to wear belts, because in zero gravity your pants won’t fall down.
Space wrestlers wrestle for intergalactic wrestling champion cuff links.
OTHER MAN: Is that the same dirty outfit you had on yesterday?
MAN WHO OWNS 1 OUTFIT, 1 WASHER & 1 DRYER: No.
At least it's clean.